I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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