did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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