he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
