so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
