she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have tasted many bathrooms
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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