my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
