Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
