I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize