I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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