I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
