I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
