Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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