the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
