this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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