I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
