SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
