I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
