i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
