You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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