I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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