Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
