I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
