Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
