my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize