Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
