I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
