i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
