There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
