Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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