you would pick up someone in the library
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize