I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize