if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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