My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
