Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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