The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this boner is exhausting
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
