none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
