that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stole a fireplace last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
