he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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