Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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