Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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