2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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