I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
