and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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