I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
