Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
