there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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