you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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