ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
