I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
