just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
