When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
