Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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