You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
