it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
