Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
