A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's get the cat blown out
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
