Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize