Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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